How To Turn A Stag Do Into A Stag Don't
by ForgeandGred7
Summary: Drowning peanuts? George serenading a garden gnome? And just what in the hell was Percy doing on the roof? Taking care of his four drunk brothers wasn't exactly Bill's idea of a good time...


**This is a completely random idea I had after one of my friends got drunk the other night on her birthday. It was the funniest thing and from it, this story popped into my head. Just a bit of fun. Enjoy!**

* * *

Bill wondered if he'd live long enough to regret the decision he had so stupidly made.

Probably not.

For sure, his mother, Fleur, Audrey, Angelina or Hermione was going to kill him.

Maybe they all would.

As he looked around and saw Percy standing on the roof of the Burrow, Charlie passed out on the lawn, George serenading a garden gnome and Ron staring at a tree trying to figure out just what it was...

Bill seriously wanted to know just what in the hell had possessed him to agree to this.

* * *

It had been all George's fault.

He had been the one to insist that Percy NEEDED a stag party.

Granted, Bill had agreed to go if Percy actually wanted it.

And surprise, surprise, Percy had detested the idea.

That had not deterred George in the slightest.

"Percy!" he cried. "You need to get out and have a little fun! It's your last night of freedom!".

"Audrey's words were to let loose a little," Ron mused.

"Exactly!" George cried. "And in girl language, that's like go crazy. Visit a few strip clubs, have a couple hundred drinks, wake up in Las Vegas with a tiger and the baby of a lady you married the night before without meaning to!".

They all stared at him. "Remind me never to go to your stag party," Bill said.

Arthur chuckled. "George is right in a way though, Perce," he said "you and your brothers should get out and do something. I know all the girls will be going out".

Percy looked uncertain. "What about you and Harry?" he asked.

"Harry and I will be at Shell Cottage babysitting Victoire and Teddy," Arthur smiled slightly. "It'll give you and your brothers some bonding time".

"It sounds as though you've already planned this," Percy said slowly.

"Oh, he's a clever one, our Perce!" George exclaimed as he threw an arm around Percy's shoulder.

"So you HAVE planned it?!" Percy cried indignantly. "Without my consent?".

Charlie ruffled Percy's hair. "Nothing ever gets past you, little brother," he said.

* * *

So it was that the night before Percy's wedding, he stood with his brothers outside The Leaky Cauldron.

"Right," Bill said. "Seeing as one of us has to stay sane, I think it should be someone who can actually control everyone who gets drunk".

"What?" Percy squeaked. "We're going to get drunk?".

"Honestly Perce," George snorted. "Do you even know the meaning of a blokes night out?".

"Of course we're getting drunk," Charlie said.

"Perhaps," Percy said hopefully. "I could be the sober one".

Charlie grunted. "No," he said gruffly. "This is your stag party!".

"Do you really think that you could control us four if we were hammered?" Bill questioned.

"No," Percy said meekly.

"Besides, as your brothers," George said "it is our duty to get you royally pissed the night before your wedding so you can experience the pain and regret in the morning".

Percy sighed. "I just-" he wrung his hands nervously. "I've never been drunk before". He admitted.

His brothers gaped at him. "You-" Charlie said. "You've never b-been-You haven't-".

He couldn't control himself any longer, he broke off and burst out laughing much to Percy's annoyance.

"Shame of my flesh!" George yelled dramatically. "Even Ronnie here has some experience in the department of the alcoholic kind".

"Hey!" Ron said moodily.

"OK!" Bill said loudly, clapping his hands as Charlie wiped his eyes and let another chuckle escape. "I think I'll be the designated driver, as the Muggles say when it comes to drinking".

"What does designated driver mean?" Ron asked curiously.

"No idea," Bill confessed as he held open the door to The Leakey Cauldron.

* * *

"Five Firewhiskeys, please".

Hannah Longbottom looked up and smiled at the sight of the Weasley brothers. "Even one for Percy?" she asked, her eyes sparkling.

"Percy here is the reason for this little gathering," George informed her. "He's getting married tomorrow".

"Well congratulations," Hannah said.

"Thank you," Percy muttered in reply.

Ron rounded on Bill as Hannah went to fetch their drinks. "I thought you said you wouldn't drink!".

"Merlin Ron," Bill said "one can't hurt me. I am celebrating with you lot, after all".

"Oh right," Ron mumbled. "Sorry".

"I'll tell you what, Perce," Charlie said. "I'll pay for everyone's drinks. Think of it as your wedding gift from me".

"How thoughtful," Percy drawled.

* * *

It was amusing to Bill, Charlie, George and Ron to watch Percy with the drink in front of him.

He sat, staring at it as if it were going to bite him.

"See Perce," George said gently. "What you do is you pick it up and you-".

"Oh shut up!" Percy snarled.

"Here," Charlie said "let your big brother show you how it's done".

The second eldest Weasley was obviously no stranger when it came to alcohol.

He popped off the lid, brought it to his lips and swallowed half of the bottle in one go.

Percy blinked. "Thirsty, are you?".

"I give up!" George said. "He's a lost cause".

"Percy, come on!" Charlie said. "You don't want to tell people this is how you spent your last night as a single man!".

"Just take a sip, Perce," Ron said.

"If it'll get you off my back!" Percy shouted causing several people in the pub to stare at him.

"Shush Perce, it's OK," George said in the tone of someone trying to calm down an over emotional toddler. "You're only cranky because you haven't had your bottle yet. Here, let Georgie open it for you".

The other three failed to stifle a laugh and Percy glared at them as George took the top off Percy's drink. "Such a nice brother, you have there, Percy," Hannah commented with a giggle as she walked past their table.

Percy exhaled slowly and picked up the bottle. "Let's get this over with," he said.

"That's the spirit, Percy!" Charlie said cheerfully. "Well, not quite but-". He raised his bottle and his brothers followed suit. "To Percy".

"To Percy".

They clinked glasses.

* * *

"NOOOO!" Ron screamed and Bill looked at him.

"What now, Ron?" he asked.

"Man down! Man down!" Ron cried as he tried to rescue a peanut that he had just dropped into his Firewhiskey.

Bill sighed and picked up another peanut from the bowl. "Here".

Ron's face lit up. "Brilliant idea Billy-O!" he said. "We'll use this peanut to save the other one!".

"No, Ron," Bill said quickly. "That's not what I meant-".

"Don't worry, little guy," Ron assured the peanut floating in his drink. "We'll get you out!".

"Ron-".

Ron threw in the other peanut. His jaw dropped as he realised with horror, that there were currently not one, but two peanuts in his Firewhiskey.

"NOOO!" he yelled again and promptly burst into tears.

Bill shook his head and turned to his other brothers.

George was examining Charlie's arm with interest. "So shiny," he said in an awed voice as he roughly poked a burn.

"I got them fighting dragons, I did!" Charlie boasted loudly. "Punched one right in the throat. It was knocked out for weeks!".

Bill rubbed his temple.

Percy lay sprawled on the table, giggiling madly to himself. "Lookit," he said, pointing at the roof. "The ceiling isn't blue!".

"No Percy, the ceiling isn't blue. For Merlin's sake Ron, don't throw in another peanut! Charlie, you can't wrestle a dragon that's giving birth to the ground single-handedly! George, stop poking him!".

"Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!"

"What Percy?!" Bill yelled.

He finally understood why it was a bad reason to get the more pompous Weasley drunk.

"I-I-I am-" Percy giggled and put his mouth to Bill's ear. "A prat! That's what I is!".

He clutched his sides and rolled around on the table as though he had just told the world's funniest joke.

Ron let out another sob as Percy accidentally knocked the peanuts to the ground.

"So George, as I was saying, this dragon must have been bigger than Flitwick-".

"Wow!".

"I know! Anyway-".

Bill ran a hand through his hair as Hannah sauntered over. "Sorry Bill," she said "but it's closing time, and it might be good if you got this lot home to bed".

"I might have to walk them to the Burrow," Bill frowned. "If I were to Apparate them that would be disastrous. Not only could they let go or do something stupid but I'd have to take them one at a time, and let's not get into that".

"Bit of a walk," Hannah said. "Can you manage?".

"I might take them halfway and get the Knight Bus or something," Bill smiled. "I'll be OK".

* * *

Percy jumped down from the Knight Bus. "Nope!" he cried. "Never, ever, ever, EVEEERRR again shall I ride on that foul beast! Farewell evil demon, I hope we don't meet again!".

Ron, who was still sobbing over the peanuts followed him.

Bill exhaled and paid the bus driver who looked utterly perplexed.

George and Charlie who were talking in whisperes trailed after their eldest brother and off the bus.

Bill hurried ahead of the other four and up the lane towards the Burrow so that he could unlock the door.

Lucky no one was home.

Especially Molly.

"Finally," he said to himself as he pushed open the door. "It's so nice to be back! Wouldn't you agree?".

He turned around to face his brothers and let out a massive groan of frustration.

All four of them were gone.

* * *

Bill tried very hard not to panic but it wasn't easy.

His mother was going to castrate him.

Audrey was going to brutally murder him.

And he didn't even want to think what Fleur, Angelina and Hermione were going to do.

How could he have been so stupid?!

He shouldn't have turned his back on his four very, very, VERY drunk brothers.

"OK," Bill said. "Don't panic, Bill, you're all right. Just think where could they be".

"LOOOOVVVINNGGG YOU IS EASY CAUSE YOU'RE BEEAAUUTTTIIFFUUULL".

Bill winced at the horrible singing. "Bingo," he said and ran around towards the backyard.

Only to be greeted by the strangest thing he'd ever seen.

* * *

"MAAAKKKIINNG LOOOVVVEEE WIITTHH YOOOU IS ALL I WAAANNT TO DOOOO!".

The garden gnome froze in shock. Never, in all it's time being a pest in the Weasley garden had this happened to it before.

Bill slapped a hand to his forehead. "George, what ARE you doing?!".

George turned to glare at him. "Excuse me!" he said with dignity. "I am sharing a moment with my lady here!".

"That is a garden gnome, George," Bill said.

"Hey! Billy-O!" Ron called. "Come here! Look at this! It's so weird! It's brown and green and has branches.. It's.. It's just so weird! I've never seen anything like it! It's a new discovery made by me!".

"It's a tree, Ronald," George scoffed. "Idiot doesn't even know what a tree is". He winked at the garden gnome.

"Perfect!" Ron said. "A Ron Weasley tree! Haha! I have something named after me! Just like your shop, George but the tree is all mine!".

Bill began walking over to Ron in the hopes of pulling him away from the tree which he was hugging tightly, only to trip over something quite solid.

Bill looked down at his feet to see Charlie curled up in a ball with his eyes shut tight.

Bill started to shake him but then stiffened. He straightened up and did a quick head count.

One. Two. Three. Hang on a minute... Where was-

"PERCY!" Bill roared. "GET DOWN FROM THERE!".

Standing on the roof of the Burrow, swaying dangerously and still highly drunk was Percy.

* * *

"Ooooooo," George said as he looked up at Percy. "You're in trouble, Bill!".

"Percy! Get down!" Bill yelled. "You'll fall!".

"I must do this, William!" Percy shouted. "It is the leap of faith! A time honored tradition for every Head Boy there ever was!".

"I never did that, you moron!" Bill cried.

"Maybe, you-" Percy chuckled and pointed down at Bill. "Were not as Boy Head as I was!".

Charlie grunted in his sleep and opened his eyes. "Keep it down, will you!" he barked but when he saw Percy, he yelped.

"JUMP!" Ron cried to Percy.

"NO!" Charlie thundered. "Stay there! I'll help you!".

"Charlie, what are you-?".

Charlie ignored Bill, picked up a stick and waved it at Percy. "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA".

Nothing happened. Charlie tried again and again.

"I think your wand is broken," George concluded sadly.

The garden gnome had finally disappeared into the bushes despite George's attempts to seduce it.

"No! No! No!" Ron cried, coming over to Charlie and snatching the stick. "You're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa not LevioSA!".

"You do it then," Charlie sneered. "If you're so clever. Go on!".

"ENOUGH!" Bill roared and Ron jumped, dropping the stick. Bill hurried over to the broomshed, yanked it open and grabbed the nearest broom.

He swung his leg over it and shot off up towards the roof until he was hovering just beside Percy. "Get on," he growled.

Percy stared at him and Bill noted that he seemed fascinated but his hair. "I'm sorry, kind lady!" Percy declared after a moment. "But I have a fiancée!".

"You won't if you keep this up," Bill hissed.

He lifted Percy up by the scruff of his shirt and forced him onto the broom.

Bill flew towards the ground and Percy screamed the whole way down.

When they landed, Percy got off happily. "I flew!" he told George excitedly.

"YAY!" George jumped and down clapping his hands.

"Try it again?" Ron challenged. "Without the broom".

"OK!" Percy chirped.

Bill, however, had reached the end of his tether. "All of you. Inside. Now".

Most would have quailed under the look Bill was giving but his foolish, drunken brothers merely smirked at him.

"Aye, aye, captain Brotherhood!" George said.

Percy bowed low like a house-elf, Charlie saluted and Ron yelled "You don't know me!".

The four of them hurried inside the Burrow, laughing as they went.

Bill nearly ripped out as his hair as he followed them.

* * *

"Who wants more alcohol?" Bill asked.

Charlie, Percy, George and Ron all cheered.

Bill instructed them to sit down and wait patiently while he went to get it.

He hurried into the kitchen and quickly began to make a potion.

He smiled evilly as he did so. The potion was designed to make the drinker completely sober but it didn't get rid of the effects of a hangover.

Bill made sure to keep THAT potion well hidden.

* * *

Bill handed his brothers separate goblets and they downed them at once.

It took only mere seconds for their expressions to change from gleeful and silly to confused and tired.

And it took only a few minutes before Ron and George were upstairs throwing up, a very green Percy was on the ground clutching his head and Charlie was lying on the sofa with one arm dangling over the edge.

"Oh Merlin," Percy moaned. "I'm getting married tomorrow. I don't want to even get up tomorrow. I just want to lay in bed for the rest of my life".

"Percy, stop talking," Charlie groaned.

Bill sat, looking smug as George and Ron came back downstairs

Ron collapsed onto the floor beside Percy and didn't move while George wiped his mouth with his sleeve and leaned against the wall.

"Well boys," Bill grinned as he starting tapping his feet very loudly on the ground. "You lot certainly managed to turn a Stag Do into a Stag Don't".

"Shut up, Bill," his brothers snarled.


End file.
